Everything you always wanted to know about apologies but were afraid to ask
By Dave Gordon
As the Jewish people this weekend celebrate
Rosh Hashanah - The New Year - they're also gearing up for Yom Kippur
(Sept. 29), the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, The Day of
Atonement. Jewish tradition for nearly three and a half millennia has
held that the days between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur should be used
as a special time to apologize and reconcile with friends and family.
The Jewish Sages have discussed kosher (or proper) apologies at length,
and say it generally has to be expeditious, specific, and promise
through words and actions not to repeat the harm (or error). I've
discovered an easy acronym, the "ESP Rule". The formula transcends
religion and is applicable to the majority of situations in life for
those of all faiths. Here is a quick-reference apology FAQ for the days leading up to the Day of Atonement. Why
does it have to be expeditious? Racing to repair hurt in the
relationship shows caring rather than indifference. It's callous to
imply: I've inconvenienced you, but I'll apologize when it's convenient
for me. Why does it have to be specific? This demonstrates
that they acknowledge exactly the hurt caused. Non-kosher apologies are
dismissive and vague, such as "I'm sorry if there was any
misunderstanding," or "I'm sorry you were hurt" or "I don't make it a
habit to do that kind of thing." There are no "buts", excuses or blame
shifting. Straight up, hold yourself accountable and recognize exactly
what you did. How does one ask for an apology? Use
another ESP Rule: expeditious, specific and personally addressed. Tell
them right away so they can fix the problem - don't sit on it for days,
weeks or months (or it'll seem like a grudge). Don't allude to a
problem and make them guess. Most importantly, don't tell uninvolved
third parties when someone hurts you. It's cruel; it's gossip. It can
hurt another's reputation and is frustrating when the victim gets wind
of it. Don't be confrontational. Be sensitive and tactful. Whatever you do, don't say: "You owe me an apology!" Isn't using a formula, like ESP, a contrived apology? Giving
a bad apology can worsen a situation, leaving an unsatisfied hurt
party, so knowing a time-tested formula to reconcile can be a good
guide. Does time heal wounds? If there is a large
enough relationship bank account, yes. But it can be overdrawn by a
harmful action. If "time" were all it took, then people would
wrongfully wait for an arbitrary statute of limitations to lapse, in
order to shrug off the damages. If time solved problems, we would
wrongfully fall into the trap of believing that the relative absence of
bad creates the presence of good. Changed behaviour, apology and
reparations create the presence of good. Time heals wounds when
those wounds are small, or, when the person who caused the damages
demonstrates that they are sorry. People show with their words and
actions, over time, that they are to be trusted again. When is it a bad thing to ask someone for an apology? When
they have shown intentional, reckless disregard for your feelings, it's
often not worth approaching. You will end up making what they believe
to be a ridiculous request. If interactions with someone on
deep, personal issues turn into a hurricane, it's best to keep your
distance. Most importantly though, someone who has shown indifference
should not be approached - you will be hurt and disappointed even more.
If you believe that offering an apology to the person might
exhume the hurt they felt, you may want to send them a note asking if
they'd like to hear you tell them you're sorry. Shouldn't the apology ooze sincerity? No
one has a window to another's head space, therefore, it's difficult to
gauge precise intentions and motivation, or measure another's
sincerity. Nonetheless, there is something intrinsically satisfying
about a kosher apology, even if it seems a bit wobbly at first. Sincerity cannot be forced, either. One shouldn't say, "That apology was OK. But try it again, this time, with sincerity." Through
words and actions, a kosher apology is by its nature, sincere. The
victim mostly cares about the acknowledgement of wrongdoing, and to see
it fixed and never repeated. Why even request an apology? Doesn't the Bible say you shouldn't hold a grudge? You
should not hold something - vengefully - against someone, especially
for an unreasonable amount of time. You have a moral obligation to tell
someone they've done something hurtful. But by not doing so, you are
holding a grudge - if the issue becomes bothersome to you or a barrier
to the relationship. Apology is integral to the reconciliation process. Can you forgive someone, and still feel as if they owe an apology? In
some cases, it can be psychologically healthy to simply forgive.
However, outrage at a terrible hurt has its place. An apology, like
money, can be owed. You can forgive someone if you choose, but you can
still acknowledge that the right and good thing for the person who did
harm is to still apologize. | 
