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The science of Santa, explained


Dave Gordon - Friday, 25 December, 2015

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Even since jolly ol’ St. Nick began his annual global sleigh trek across the sky, and slid into homes, people have been asking: how does he do it?

I mean, how is it possible he can travel the world in a single night? How does his sleigh fly – what is it powered by?

How fast does he need to go to drop toys for every (Christian) child? And, most bewilderingly, how does he get in homes without chimneys?

Well, in recent years, science has begun to take a stab at some answers.

One scientist calculated not only how fast he needs to go (1,800 miles per second), how many hours he has to complete the task (31, adjusting for time zones), but how much his toy sack ought to weigh (7,000 tons).

In one study, they postulate he needs to visit nearly 6,000 homes per second to get everyone in - including the time it takes that zaftig ol’ fella to slide down the chimney and place the presents under the tree.

Of course, in the interest of cutting corners, he could very well drop the gifts from the sky with pinpoint accuracy into the chimney, and parents could intercept them in the middle of the night and carry them to the tree. That’s one time-saving measure.

According to some, how his whole lightning-speed trip is accomplished is through various time warps, worm holes, and super sophisticated sleigh speeds that even NASA hasn’t yet harnessed on their space shuttles.

Notwithstanding, science is quickly catching up – at least according to some research - using intricate physics equations to figure out Santa’s methods to do what he does.

One metal producer has come up with theoretical schematics for a 21st century version of Santa’s sleigh, including hybrid-powered rocket boosters, parking sensors, a pin-point chimney cam as well as heated seats to ensure maximum comfort for the icy cold. It sells for about $350,000US.

One answer that hasn’t popped up – at least not in my research – is the “multiple Santa” theorem.

Since there are Santas in each mall leading up to Christmas, it stands to reason that, while there might be only one “St. Nick”, the real Santa outsources his toy drops to his legions of Santa stand-ins.

That makes Santa’s job much easier. Particularly now that he’s getting on in years.

Another theory I have is the “distraction hypothesis” [NOT FOR KIDS!]

So, while Santa soars through the sky with his reindeer - who run so darn quickly that they assist in the jet propulsion – we’re so sidetracked that we don’t see his multitudes of helper elves scurrying into homes, tucking presents under trees. Yup, Santa’s there just for the show.

This explains why the milk and cookies left by millions of kids gets consumed.

As scientifically advanced as Santa’s sleigh is, and as technologically advanced his methods, there’s no way he could ingest a half-million tons of baked goods, and 75 million litres of milk, in a day. Just no way. The little elves take it, my friends.

Anyway, while science is still trying to crack some of the mysteries of Santa, you can keep track of where he’s going on NORAD’s global GPS online.

Santa – while you know when we’re sleeping, and when we’re awake, you can’t dodge global positioning satellite technology.

 

All Contents © 2017 Dave Gordon | Lichtman Consulting